Creating Culture
I just finished the memoir, “The Light of the World” by Elizabeth Alexander. It’s a beautifully written account about love and the grief of losing a spouse unexpectedly. But what really grabbed my attention in these pages was the rich culture Elizabeth and her husband had in their home. Her husband was born in Africa and she was born in New York City. The combination of their vastly different backgrounds resulted in a home filled with the most fascinating foods, colors, and art. I found myself wishing I could be a guest in their home just once and it left me pondering a few questions.
How would I describe culture using only one word? What kind of culture do I want to establish in my home? What are some practical things I can do to create that desired culture? I’ve done my best to answer these three questions and it’s giving me a new vision for our space we call home.
I would describe culture using the word atmosphere. That includes the things I’m perceiving through my five senses but it also includes the way a place makes me feel. When thinking of culture, our minds often go to the foods, the religion, and the clothing of a certain place. While those things are certainly a big part of culture, I think the way a place feels is equally important in creating culture. Some places feel welcoming, others suspicious. Some feel cramped, others feel spacious.
The kind of culture I wish to create in my home is a culture of safety. I’m not talking about physical safety because that is not something I can always control. I’m thinking of emotional safety. I want my home to be a place where people are safe to say what they are thinking and feeling. I want my husband to have a safe place to share every wild brain storm he has ever conceived. I want the neighbor to knock on the door because he was thinking about a new job while hitting golf balls and needed another opinion. I want the teenager to sit at the table and tell me why he’s frustrated with every little thing. I want children to laugh so hard they choke on their water and end up spitting it in the sink. I want a home that sends the message, “It’s ok to express great joy here as well as great pain.”
Vienna is only two years old but I’ve already become quite familiar with this scene: Grandma babysat her all day and reports that she was an angel. “She is just so fun,” Grandma says with a warm smile. And two miles down the road from Grandma’s house I’m in the drivers seat wondering if the child in my car is the same one Grandma was talking about. Because the child in the back seat is already whining and declaring she doesn’t need a bath or that she desperately needs an ice pop. This used to frustrate me so much! How could she be so happy for someone else and then turn into a complete trial for her mother? What was I doing wrong?
My mom helped me see this situation in a whole new light. She told me “Geneva, you are Vienna’s safe place.” Those few words profoundly shifted my perspective. I thought about my relationship with Chad and how sometimes he sees the absolute worst version of me. Why would he, who loves me harder than anyone else on earth, have to deal with my ugly side? Because he is the safest person I know. I don’t have to pretend with him. With him, I feel safe to share both the best and the worst parts of me.
So while Vienna may cry more at home than anywhere else, she also laughs the hardest here as well. She is the goofiest, funniest person not in church or at Grandmas, but in our kitchen. Because she feels safe. I wouldn’t want it any other way.
To wrap this up, here are a few practical things I thought of to promote a culture of safety.
1. Avoid criticism.
When Chad shares yet another brainstorm, don’t rattle off the fourteen reasons it could fail. If my children hear me criticizing others, they will begin to wonder what I really think of them.
2. Listen.
Like stop talking. Put my hand over my mouth if necessary!
3. Encourage.
Be a positive voice to my family when they doubt themselves.
4. Don’t expect the people in my home to always be ok.
We are asked to be brave and strong nearly everywhere we go. Sometimes we need a place to simply not be ok... to let our guard down and just be.
I’d love to hear what sort of culture you would like to create in your home. Have a wonderful day!
How would I describe culture using only one word? What kind of culture do I want to establish in my home? What are some practical things I can do to create that desired culture? I’ve done my best to answer these three questions and it’s giving me a new vision for our space we call home.
I would describe culture using the word atmosphere. That includes the things I’m perceiving through my five senses but it also includes the way a place makes me feel. When thinking of culture, our minds often go to the foods, the religion, and the clothing of a certain place. While those things are certainly a big part of culture, I think the way a place feels is equally important in creating culture. Some places feel welcoming, others suspicious. Some feel cramped, others feel spacious.
The kind of culture I wish to create in my home is a culture of safety. I’m not talking about physical safety because that is not something I can always control. I’m thinking of emotional safety. I want my home to be a place where people are safe to say what they are thinking and feeling. I want my husband to have a safe place to share every wild brain storm he has ever conceived. I want the neighbor to knock on the door because he was thinking about a new job while hitting golf balls and needed another opinion. I want the teenager to sit at the table and tell me why he’s frustrated with every little thing. I want children to laugh so hard they choke on their water and end up spitting it in the sink. I want a home that sends the message, “It’s ok to express great joy here as well as great pain.”
Vienna is only two years old but I’ve already become quite familiar with this scene: Grandma babysat her all day and reports that she was an angel. “She is just so fun,” Grandma says with a warm smile. And two miles down the road from Grandma’s house I’m in the drivers seat wondering if the child in my car is the same one Grandma was talking about. Because the child in the back seat is already whining and declaring she doesn’t need a bath or that she desperately needs an ice pop. This used to frustrate me so much! How could she be so happy for someone else and then turn into a complete trial for her mother? What was I doing wrong?
My mom helped me see this situation in a whole new light. She told me “Geneva, you are Vienna’s safe place.” Those few words profoundly shifted my perspective. I thought about my relationship with Chad and how sometimes he sees the absolute worst version of me. Why would he, who loves me harder than anyone else on earth, have to deal with my ugly side? Because he is the safest person I know. I don’t have to pretend with him. With him, I feel safe to share both the best and the worst parts of me.
So while Vienna may cry more at home than anywhere else, she also laughs the hardest here as well. She is the goofiest, funniest person not in church or at Grandmas, but in our kitchen. Because she feels safe. I wouldn’t want it any other way.
To wrap this up, here are a few practical things I thought of to promote a culture of safety.
1. Avoid criticism.
When Chad shares yet another brainstorm, don’t rattle off the fourteen reasons it could fail. If my children hear me criticizing others, they will begin to wonder what I really think of them.
2. Listen.
Like stop talking. Put my hand over my mouth if necessary!
3. Encourage.
Be a positive voice to my family when they doubt themselves.
4. Don’t expect the people in my home to always be ok.
We are asked to be brave and strong nearly everywhere we go. Sometimes we need a place to simply not be ok... to let our guard down and just be.
I’d love to hear what sort of culture you would like to create in your home. Have a wonderful day!
I really like this, Geneva. Thought provoking and inspiring! ~Lucia
ReplyDelete