Living and Thriving with PPD
It's been over two years now. Two years since I sat at a friend's kitchen table and finally admitted to someone that I was not okay. Two years since I put a name to everything I had been feeling for the past eighteen months. Two years since I realized I had severe postpartum depression.
Perhaps, I should be writing my story first, and then sharing how I've learned to cope. But even two years later, I'm still struggling to find words to explain the darkness of that season. Maybe I never will. For today, I'll tell you the things that have helped me find the light again.
MEDICINE
Yes, I have swallowed a pill every day for the past two years. No, I'm not ashamed to admit it because quite frankly, it saved my life. Perhaps, if I had recognized the symptoms of postpartum depression earlier and had gotten help sooner, I wouldn't have needed medicine. But that's not my story. My story is that by the time I realized what was going on, I was too far down to even remember the way back up. Shari Zook wrote that "medicine gave her the space and ability to heal." I can't think of a better way to say it. However, swallowing a pill does not magically fix a depressed person. Medicine only works if you are willing to work. I've had to learn other ways to combat the depression and those things COMBINED with medicine have paved the way to healing.
REST
I have always needed more sleep to function than most people I know. When I am in a season of getting up multiple times a night with a baby, I absolutely must prioritize taking a nap during the day. Things tend to spiral out of control quickly when I get too sleep deprived. Even thirty minutes of rest can change my perspective on the whole day.
HAVE A DAY
This concept came from a quote I saw on Pinterest. We always tell each other to have a good day. While there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, I found great freedom in realizing that this day does not have to be the very best day of my life. It simply needs to be a day. On days when the darkness threatens to overtake me, I simply do the very basics. I drink water, snuggle the girls, go for a walk, read a book. I have a day and know that with the rise of tomorrow's sun, hope will dawn again.
TALK TO SOMEONE
On my worst days, it took every ounce of courage I had to answer the phone when my husband, mom, or best friend called. Phone conversations usually always begin with "How are you?" and there were days that I really had no idea how to answer. Over the past two years, I have learned that telling someone what I'm thinking is one of the most powerful ways to stop the negative cycle my brain can slip into. The other person can remind me of truth when I seem to have forgotten it. I've learned to say hard words to Chad, my mom, my midwife, a therapist, and a friend. In the telling, my burden immediately gets lighter because I'm no longer carrying it alone.
EXERCISE
I run because it makes my brain feel good. I realize that may sound quite bizarre to most of you, but that's the only way I know to describe it. There's something about just focusing on my breathing and putting one foot in front of the other that clears my head like nothing else can. Even Chad can tell that I'm in a much better head space after a good run and there have been times when he has lovingly nudged me out the door.
ACCEPTANCE
It wasn't until a few months ago that I recognized that postpartum was not the first time I experienced serious depression. I also battled it in my early teen years for completely different reasons but a lot of the symptoms were the same. When I realized this, it completely changed my perspective. Think about someone who has a weak ankle. It may not hurt them constantly but occasionally it flares up and they need to give it extra care for a while. That's how I view depression. I used to think of it as something I must get over and put behind me forever. Now, I see it as something I may always struggle with. Some seasons are easier than others. There are days and weeks and months when depression feels a million miles away. But that is not a guarantee that I will never again face the debilitating darkness. I have to accept that and have coping mechanisms in place for when those dark times come.
My desire in writing this is that it could give hope to someone who is experiencing depression right now. I want you to know it will get better. There is light in the world even when you can't feel it.
MEDICINE
Yes, I have swallowed a pill every day for the past two years. No, I'm not ashamed to admit it because quite frankly, it saved my life. Perhaps, if I had recognized the symptoms of postpartum depression earlier and had gotten help sooner, I wouldn't have needed medicine. But that's not my story. My story is that by the time I realized what was going on, I was too far down to even remember the way back up. Shari Zook wrote that "medicine gave her the space and ability to heal." I can't think of a better way to say it. However, swallowing a pill does not magically fix a depressed person. Medicine only works if you are willing to work. I've had to learn other ways to combat the depression and those things COMBINED with medicine have paved the way to healing.
REST
I have always needed more sleep to function than most people I know. When I am in a season of getting up multiple times a night with a baby, I absolutely must prioritize taking a nap during the day. Things tend to spiral out of control quickly when I get too sleep deprived. Even thirty minutes of rest can change my perspective on the whole day.
HAVE A DAY
This concept came from a quote I saw on Pinterest. We always tell each other to have a good day. While there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, I found great freedom in realizing that this day does not have to be the very best day of my life. It simply needs to be a day. On days when the darkness threatens to overtake me, I simply do the very basics. I drink water, snuggle the girls, go for a walk, read a book. I have a day and know that with the rise of tomorrow's sun, hope will dawn again.
TALK TO SOMEONE
On my worst days, it took every ounce of courage I had to answer the phone when my husband, mom, or best friend called. Phone conversations usually always begin with "How are you?" and there were days that I really had no idea how to answer. Over the past two years, I have learned that telling someone what I'm thinking is one of the most powerful ways to stop the negative cycle my brain can slip into. The other person can remind me of truth when I seem to have forgotten it. I've learned to say hard words to Chad, my mom, my midwife, a therapist, and a friend. In the telling, my burden immediately gets lighter because I'm no longer carrying it alone.
EXERCISE
I run because it makes my brain feel good. I realize that may sound quite bizarre to most of you, but that's the only way I know to describe it. There's something about just focusing on my breathing and putting one foot in front of the other that clears my head like nothing else can. Even Chad can tell that I'm in a much better head space after a good run and there have been times when he has lovingly nudged me out the door.
ACCEPTANCE
It wasn't until a few months ago that I recognized that postpartum was not the first time I experienced serious depression. I also battled it in my early teen years for completely different reasons but a lot of the symptoms were the same. When I realized this, it completely changed my perspective. Think about someone who has a weak ankle. It may not hurt them constantly but occasionally it flares up and they need to give it extra care for a while. That's how I view depression. I used to think of it as something I must get over and put behind me forever. Now, I see it as something I may always struggle with. Some seasons are easier than others. There are days and weeks and months when depression feels a million miles away. But that is not a guarantee that I will never again face the debilitating darkness. I have to accept that and have coping mechanisms in place for when those dark times come.
My desire in writing this is that it could give hope to someone who is experiencing depression right now. I want you to know it will get better. There is light in the world even when you can't feel it.
I have a day and know that with the rise of tomorrow's sun, hope will dawn again.
ReplyDeleteI love that line! I was glad to hear from you again and glad to hear you are finding Jesus in the darkness and also finding ways to cope! Sometimes mere living takes tremendous courage!
Blessings to you
Louella