On Vulnerability

I try really hard not to rant in this space. In the past, I've regretting clicking "publish" before letting the words sit a little. But y'all can handle a rant every once in a while, right? Good, I thought so. 

Earlier today, I posted on my WhatsApp status an invitation to join a book club, of sorts. I was looking for three or four other ladies to read Peanut Butter and Dragon Wings with me and discuss the questions at the end of each chapter. Most of the response I got was positive. 

However, the responses I can't stop thinking about were the ones that went something like this, "I'd love to join but I'm not sure I can open myself up like that." Now please understand, I never expected or even wanted every lady I know to join this group. I intended to keep it small and even turned a few ladies down in order to keep it that way. 

But tonight, the question that haunts me is not, "Why can't you open up?" but "How can you NOT open up?" I already know the answer to the first question. You've been vulnerable in the past and have gotten hurt and you're not about to let that happen again. I get that. But this is the part we forget. When we close ourself off to pain and risk and vulnerability we also close ourselves off to connection and community and the beauty of being truly known. And please tell me, how can you live a meaningful life without those things? 

Will you get burnt by being open? Sometimes. Will you always be completely understood? No. But the day you FIND the perfect friend is the same day you ARE the perfect friend. (Never.) We are humans. We get hurt and we hurt others. We apologize and we mean it. We grow TOGETHER. Always together. Only together. I don't want to live without the gifts and goodness YOU have to offer. But I'll never experience those things if I live behind a concrete wall.

I realize that I'm the girl with the blog who writes painfully honest words for the whole world to read. I'm the girl that can't hide her feelings even when she tries. I'm the girl that would rather not even have a conversation if we are both just going to say we are fine when we're not. Vulnerability kind of comes naturally for me. Therefore, I'm probably disqualified from speaking about it. No one wants to hear Lebron James say how easy it is to dunk a basketball. 

But I can tell you, as someone who lives life like a mostly wide open book, ninety-nine percent of the people that read my "book" don't gasp and run away. Most of them look into my eyes and say "Yeah, me too." My guess is that they would say the same to you if you offered them* a peek into your depths. 

I might love too hard and share too much and end up with a scar or three. But at the end of my life I long to have proof that I actually LIVED.

* "Them" does not mean a crowd of fifty. Start with a friend or two. Feel your way from there.