worth the risk

My body begged for rest.  But I rocked my fevered baby and sat with all those other tired mommas.  And waited.  A dad came in straight from work.  His Long John Silver's shirt had food splatters on it.  Two girls giggled and coughed loud.  A grey haired grandma filled in for an absent mom.  It was 9:00 pm and we all looked worn.  The thing is, you can love these little people with all your heart.  But sometimes... your heart just wants a break from being broke.

The nurse smiled and recognized us.  The doctor was kind and noticed I was a little sick myself.  He made me feel like a good mom and prescribed good medicine.  I loaded Vienna back into her car seat, gave her another syringe full, and drove home.

In the light of a stoplight, I looked back at my snotty nosed angel girl.  And I felt the weight of it all on my broken heart.  "I guess this is what it means to be a parent," I thought.  "To pour your very life into someone else's."  And then the question came before I could stop it.  "And what if she doesn't love me back?"  Love doesn't come with any tidy guarantees.  Only a heart breaking list of risks. 

But maybe... this sacrifice of love isn't about getting love back.  Maybe its about letting this pouring out of love change ME.  Undo me. Remake me.  Into a softer, kinder, person with a wide open heart.  Maybe this motherhood gig isn't so much about me shaping my child.  Maybe its more about my child shaping me.